masked pain


.. these 3 questions may be answered logically, emotionally or intellectually..
instant answers are playimg inside the head of the reader of this piece.why am i sayin' this?.'coz only the interested and those wanted to react on the above lines will spare their minutes readin this blog.
(thank u reader)..

going back to the topics..we will tackle each question and share our different views..

Bnzer A: TO FEEL FREE. i am not an atheist. i believe in God and all His words--but i also believe, that as His instruments, we are given the intellect to do the right thing not just because the Bible tells us t forgive "Seventy times seven times"..i forgive those who hurt me not because i am a good Christian, but solely 'coz i wanted to breathe freely. Having a cold feeling with someone is like locking yourself in a closet. You limit every action, every move must not benefit that person. We, though in different situations, still feel the same way--UNPEACEFUL SOULS. i am a person with an overflowing pride (exage term). It often takes a long time before i get over the hatred inside me..and mostly, they ended up doin the first move--i am not impress with my attitude, but i cn't help it...part of my blackside maybe..i do believe i can live alone wthout anyone's company, yet, what we sometimes believe may not be always true. This is my crazy measurement of acceptance, one of the rules i live with no exemption-- IF YOU WANT TO STAY--HANDLE MY WORST; IF YOU CAN'T--DON'T EVEN TRY; IF YOU WON'T--PLS LEAVE.

Bnzer A: "COZ WE DON'T LOVE THEM. Am i applying logic here?-YES, I do. If you love them, why would you hurt them anyway? (now, hold ur eyebrows before they fly, hehe) Most of you must tell me-"part of bein human-we unconsciously hurt them and we don't mean the doing"..I AM NOT SAYING you'll play a perfect role and act clean..if you analyze the Q carefully, i didn't say--"Why do we hurt those WE love"..not every one we love feels the same way we do, and applying the basic logic, not all who loved us we love too..If you have experienced hurting someone you honestly don't love, don't feel guilty. Intentionally or not, you'll be hurting them, considering the fact that they have feelings and can sense what you feel at the same time You can never be nice to every one, no matter how safely you construct your words, you must remember-HEARING IS NOT THE ONLY SENSE A HUMAN BEING HAS. If you love someone, would you find a reason to hurt him?--IF YOUR ANSWER IS "YES", THEN, YOU DON'T LOVE HIM. 'COZ IF YOU TRULY LOVE THAT SPECIAL BEING, YOU WILL NEVER GIVE HIM A SINGLE REASON TO WASTE HIS TEARS.

Bnzer A: TO KNOW THE CONSEQUENCE OF OUR ACTIONS. It is not really having no regrets in trying. I'll be telling a lie and make a mistake here if i say I DON'T EVER regret the chance i have taken especially when the result is unfavorable to me. There are really moments i don't like my responses to the call of life. i do regret, 'coz i am fully aware of the exact opposite result of the untaken chance.
A CHANCE IS DIFFERENT FROM A CHOICE--i have heard this line again and again but still it has a great impact on my way of living. Every one may have the same chance but do consider different choices. How will you know you have taken the right choice? Well, you (reader) has the right answer. Whatever your answer is, it will be the right one for you, 'coz it is your choice. This is a cycle. How would you know the right choice is the right answer?--HMMMM..well, TAKE YOUR CHANCE AND TELL ME :)

the above answers of Beanizer are only based on a one-person life. A single creature who has been hurt, has hurt and has taken the chances of hurting.
if beanizer will place himself as GOD or as a parent, then he must say: "I FORGIVE COZ I LOVE YOU".but, BEanizer is neither of them. Beanizer just wanted freedom.

If the blog gives you a conclusion of the character of a Beanizer, better keeP it to may either be TRue or FAlse..yet----

same post

anger doesn't always mean hatred. Sometimes it is a masked emoton of one's true but inwanted feeling. Rejection doesn't pushes a person away, it is ften a measure of another's loyalty and patience..bein silent is not a reflection of calmness..most of the time it is a hidden chamber of confsions and fears..the best relief of a tired spirit is not always laughter..but salty drops of helpless hearts..//0926091048


Queries often bother one's soul. Questions remain unsolved for people who ask but never accept others' opinions. We search for answers, but we opt to find them on our own through our logical reasoning. Some facts are taken for granted, more opinions are being listened to..why??.'coz humans as we are, we love arguments. We argue critics, we even argue our own views. The craving for wisdom not just knowledge. Life has his own way to give itself proper and just reasons. Our way of understanding its true beauty lies beneath the character we build openly and closely to our chosen world. //092609084109

open views

Choices have been made. Some choices are best to remain unrisked. Rejecting some doors doesn't always mean frightness. Some instances show that untaking the risks and opportunities reflects the braver spirit. Some rejections unlock old chances. They bring out the value of patience and faith with the old gift bestowed to one's craving soul. //09260983320

the question

..i woke up still occupied of the last thing I had last night..
..she called again, but (as usual), I didn’t answer..i turned off my phone for few hours to save my ears and my battery as well..
..when I was about to enter my room, I turned it on,,and found her ONLY says:
..“ (__), how wud u know u’r gonna give up?”..
--the question struck me..maybe bcoz I don’t know the answer, or I doubted my answr, or I juz don’t want to answer..
..i was confused somehow,
..did she mean she’s giving up on me now, ..or me-- when I gave her up..or herself on some thing else..?

..i lied on my bed, stared at the ceiling..thinking that line..i don’t wanna ask her,of course, ..what will Mr. Ego and M. Pride will say if I do such?? (hehhehe)..

..but,..her asking wasn’t bad nywei,,why?,..’coz it made me think and blog here..

(I’m not only referring to love matters, ..any thing that affects our lives is the SUBJECT)

Beanizer’s VIEW: No one knows if you are in the state of giving up, why?..’coz no one can understand what you really feel UNTIL THEY ARE YOU..we often say the same line--I can feel what you are feeling right now..” , every time we are comforting a lonely person..yet, few of us are fully aware, it’s not true. I am not saying I am not sincere in my actions; it is just a realization, that, UNDERSTANDING an emotion is far different from FEELING an emotion. We can understand other people because we are rational beings..we are capable of thinking what it is to be on that situation, we comfort them ‘coz we don’t want them to be unhappy, we are sad ‘coz we care for them, and most of all, it is a lonely and unwanted story no one would wish to have.

Same thing as-- anyone may have the courage to tell us to stop, yet, still the final action lies in the choice WE follow.. anyone can criticize our every move-- criticisms may be taken as insults yet we can take hem as CHALLENGES too, it all depends on how we see it..

(and with the fave subject—love)
I remember what a friend has said “The most hard-headed people are those who are in-love, they ONLY SMILE BUT THEY WON’T LISTEN”.. or yet they do listen but take it for granted..true enough..simply b’coz THEY ARE NOT US..and logically, WE ARE NOT THEM..

Going back to the topic of knowing the signs of giving up, I believe, they are no signs, any one can give up any time if he/she wants to..
it’s not all because of getting tired of doing the same routine..getting tired is part of being human, after all, we can take a rest and still pursue a goal, right? .. and we can certainly QUIT if we opt to stop fighting for the same unreasonable purpose..

Therefore, I conclude: Giving up is not a feeling, it is a conscious choice.
It has no signs, no hypotheses,
it comes when we are ready and not because we are tired..
it is not a total surrender of one’s goal but a total acceptance of a new dream..

Beanizer TELLS: If you want to give up, don’t ask anyone’s advice.
I will comfort you, but, you stand for your choice,
decide not because you have to, but because you want to be happy..
Above all, make a choice not to impress the world of your toughness
—but to express what you think love is all about. //091709

in perfect time

..hey beanizer! Wake up sleepy head!!..wat a lazy Monday..

..didz what do u want me to discuss??

..feel tired of this routine, can’t feel what I’m emotions, this freedom is bothering me..i need to know the limits of this long will I step on this planet, how long will I see my good ol’ friends again..time runs slow..gud thing, I cud stay awake with didz’s smile and angel’s missing wings..

..what if I only got 3 more days to live? How should Beanizer spent the next second of the hour?..okay..does this thought makes sense?..okay…here we go..

..1st, maybe Iill find all my friends..spend the 1st 24hrs with them..get drunk, share thoughts, listen to them, play in the arcade, get a videoke machine and sing ‘til dawn.

..on my second last day, I’l spend it with my family, especially with my parents—maybe this time I would let them see the weaker side of their youngest child..tell them how I’m proud to have them as my guide, thank them for molding me as to who I am now..and of course, apologize for my shortcomings and the headaches I’v caused them..thank my siblings for being good supporters and juz being there-understanding my giv each of them a tight hug..

..and finally, on my last day..this is to fulfill my dream..i want to be with no one else but with..MYSELF..i want to sit on the highest rock in the shore..close my eyes, hear the waves approaching the other, with my guitar n my hand and a paper with a pencil at my side…the last unspoken sentiment will be unveiled through a song..I want to hear the deep silence..only the wind knows the thought in my mind..the setting of the sun that would tell me evrything’s one can hurt me and no one will be hurt by me.. I lay my feet on the soft sand, letting each particle fill the spaces between my helpless toes..every step flashes the sweet and salty moments of a Beanizer’s life..and

..and fin’lly when the cold water approaches the soles of my feet, it’l be the time when I see my reflection on the moving water, a reflection of that happy child standing smiling back at me as the cool wind whispers in my ears..
”.. let go..” //091409