---locked thoughts----

Time flashes so fast..shorter days..longer nights..few days more before the last month of the year starts..I am reviewing my life, the changes, the untouched..people I accepted, persons I rejected..
I learn to question my self these past days..
Am I good enough? Or should I stop trying to be one?

I trust myself, but some people makes me doubt my capacity..
I love myself, but some people makes me doubt my own understanding of the subject..
I believe in commitment, but I fear to live rules from hurting anyone..

I am trying to listen but I am not consistent in hearing. I am tired of this feeling- being asked why am I like this, why can’t I be like that..? So many expectations, so high standards, too much demands.
I thought I have made someone happy enough, yet, I realized I can never be the only source of her happiness..
Some facts hurt more every time I reject them. The more I become weaker, the lesser courage I hold on to..

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a glimpse on my story

Way back in high school we had this creative writing subject. Our teacher asked us to make a journal. In that journal, we will be sharing our experiences, our daily activities as possible—only she will know every word we put in there. It is a requirement, and she’ll be gathering our journals every quarter end.

The day before the 1st quarter submission finally came. The thing is, my journal is still blank. Obviously, it was a mess, leaving only 2-3 sentences on each date. And as expected, she left a note--____, I know you did this hastily, I am expecting more from you.

The fact that I hate journal-writing made it hard for me to put my words together. I was pissed, and so I wrote..”I hate journal-writing..what do I get if I pour myself over a piece of paper?- a dying pen, tired hands..and should I trust my sentiments to someone who doesn’t even know me..”..I wrote as if my teacher was dumb. I know she’s expecting to read beautiful lines considering the fact I am one of the writers who made our school paper. And so she replied, “_________, don’t put your talent to waste, no one is forcing you to write, the drive must come from within..”

I know the teacher was disappointed that time. It’s this attitude that most people in the class never questioned. I am one of the class jokers but when I started to keep quiet no one dares to mess with me. I am not a trouble-maker though, you have 2 options-- either to understand me or leave me as I am, don’t ask, don’t push.

Now, the 3rd quarter came..I started to express myself in that journal—but in a pessimistic way. .all my pieces were so insensitive, I pointed some things I hate and the stupid things most of my classmates do. Those writings have no heart. So my teacher commented on my page, “(______), you’re such a pessimist, you seem to hate the world and everything about it..don’t expect them to feel the way you do, don’t expect them to be as hard as you.. you are individual persons, unique from each one..”

I smiled. I said to myself,-- what does this woman wanted to find in my journal? She doesn’t understand her own words..journal writing is for expression—may it be the light or the dark way..if this is what I feel at the moment, should I keep it inside me?..

On the 4th and final quarter, I decided to write not for my own sentiments..I made pieces pleasing to her eyes..I have no choice..i f I don’t , I’ll have a low remark..and that time, she was amazed and satisfied with my last pages. She put her last note, “ now, you know how it is to love and express your thoughts creatively, keep it up..(sweet advices follow)”..

The realization awaken my senses, sometimes we just have to keep with other standards and leave our own selves for safety reasons..in that instance, I made pieces hiding my dark side just to get a good remark, just to please my teacher..but the fact remains, she can’t change this student she had before..she’s one of the worst teachers I had.. she ‘s a teacher but not an educator.

NOT ALL THAT WE LEARN FROM OTHER PEOPLE WILL MOLD US TO BECOME BETTER PERSONS.
WE ARE WHO WE ARE. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO CHANGE US UNLESS WE PERMIT THEM TO.

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confused+risk??

Have you ever had the chance risking a confused emotion?..
How would you describe the feeling?..Is it like sailing lonely on a row boat in an open sea?
Is it like conquering the waves on a surf board?..Is it like riding a plane on an unpredictable weather?..
What is the best metaphor suited under such situation? Tell me your thoughts :)

Certain matters are too risky. No matter how strong -willed a person can be, a fearful spirit would often find its way to get through. Why? Maybe ‘coz some relationships are not worth risking. Friendship is the most consideration on heart matters. There is no assurance you’ll be having the perfect partner/ lover.
Feelings come and go faster than you expect it.
Monday, you may like her (cloud9),
Tuesday you may need her (oh my!),
Wednesday you may fall for her (oh no!),
Thursday you did fall and make a careless slight move (do it!),
Friday you found out the feeling is not mutual (ouch!),
Saturday you are trying to lose the feeling (pls stop),
Sunday you learned—and regretted she’s gone (stupid)..

There are only few people who can occupy special spots in your heart. So learn to choose the right people who’ll never waste those spaces. Time is not fair at times, it may be too late before you know that some cruel occupants have done putting blades on those corners of your bleeding heart..

Not all rapid heart beating means love (it can be a heart disease),
Not every heaven-feeling speaks love (you must be a drug addict, you 4got),
Not all face-blushing tells you're in love (you may be just drunk)..

There is no right time to fall.. Falling is not a wanted feeling..
The gravity of love is irresistible..so unpredictable.
Be careful.

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CALL FOR SMILES

SHARING OUR CELEBRATION: MassKara Festival
“The festival first began in 1980 during a period of crisis. The province relied on sugar cane as its primary agricultural crop, and the price of sugar was at an all-time low due to the introduction of sugar substitutes like high fructose corn syrup in the United States.[1] It was also a time of tragedy; on April 22 of that year, the inter-island vessel Don Juan carrying many Negrenses, including those belonging to prominent families in Bacolod City, collided with the tanker Tacloban City and sank. An estimated 700 lives were lost in the tragedy.[2]
In the midst of these tragic events, the city's artists, local government and civic groups decided to hold a festival of smiles, because the city at that time was also known as the City of Smiles. They reasoned that a festival was also a good opportunity to pull the residents out of the pervasive gloomy atmosphere. The initial festival was therefore, a declaration by the people of the city that no matter how tough and bad the times were, Bacolod City is going to pull through, survive, and in the end, triumph.
The word "MassKara" is a portmanteau, coined by the late artist Ely Santiago from the word "mass" meaning "many or a multitude of the people", and the Spanish word cara meaning "face". A prominent feature of the festival is the mask worn by participants; these are always adorned with smiling faces. MassKara thus means a multitude of smiling faces.”—(info frm-wikipedia)


..this month’s highlights..THE MASSKARA FESTIVAL..one reason why the place was traded as the City of Smiles—the celebration opened on d 1st day of October and will soon end on d 19th which is the charter day celebration (a local holiday)..
..the festival celebration 2 years ago was really amazing—compliment for the local gov’t..it started that year(2007), that when the clock strikes 6PM-- the major streets were closed, fireworks, BBQ kiosks and beer everywhere (Oktoberfest), meeting old and new faces, every corner had a live band playing, carefree people dancing on the streets, the greatest street party ever!!..
Last year (2008), I was sickly and so not celebrated the event, all I got are bugging messages from my friends who had gone to night outs…hai……..
This year (2009)..hmmm..few days to go before the event will end..i’ll be meeting my friends tomorrow after work and we’ll have the whole night long, hope the rain won’t ruin the night..can’t wait to buy those lighting lollipops (hehe), getting suffocated on BBQ smoke and drinking sessions everywhere..
I think this is what the festival is all about --“smiling masks behind life’s unending pressures and miseries”

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masked pain

WHY DO WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO HURT US?
WHY DO WE HURT THOSE WHO LOVE US?
WHY DO WE TAKE THE CHANCES OF HURTING?

.. these 3 questions may be answered logically, emotionally or intellectually..
instant answers are playimg inside the head of the reader of this piece.why am i sayin' this?.'coz only the interested and those wanted to react on the above lines will spare their minutes readin this blog.
(thank u reader)..

going back to the topics..we will tackle each question and share our different views..

1st Q: WHY DO WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO HURT US?
Bnzer A: TO FEEL FREE. i am not an atheist. i believe in God and all His words--but i also believe, that as His instruments, we are given the intellect to do the right thing not just because the Bible tells us t forgive "Seventy times seven times"..i forgive those who hurt me not because i am a good Christian, but solely 'coz i wanted to breathe freely. Having a cold feeling with someone is like locking yourself in a closet. You limit every action, every move must not benefit that person. We, though in different situations, still feel the same way--UNPEACEFUL SOULS. i am a person with an overflowing pride (exage term). It often takes a long time before i get over the hatred inside me..and mostly, they ended up doin the first move--i am not impress with my attitude, but i cn't help it...part of my blackside maybe..i do believe i can live alone wthout anyone's company, yet, what we sometimes believe may not be always true. This is my crazy measurement of acceptance, one of the rules i live with no exemption-- IF YOU WANT TO STAY--HANDLE MY WORST; IF YOU CAN'T--DON'T EVEN TRY; IF YOU WON'T--PLS LEAVE.

2ND Q: WHY DO WE HURT THOSE WHO LOVE US?
Bnzer A: "COZ WE DON'T LOVE THEM. Am i applying logic here?-YES, I do. If you love them, why would you hurt them anyway? (now, hold ur eyebrows before they fly, hehe) Most of you must tell me-"part of bein human-we unconsciously hurt them and we don't mean the doing"..I AM NOT SAYING you'll play a perfect role and act clean..if you analyze the Q carefully, i didn't say--"Why do we hurt those WE love"..not every one we love feels the same way we do, and applying the basic logic, not all who loved us we love too..If you have experienced hurting someone you honestly don't love, don't feel guilty. Intentionally or not, you'll be hurting them, considering the fact that they have feelings and can sense what you feel at the same time You can never be nice to every one, no matter how safely you construct your words, you must remember-HEARING IS NOT THE ONLY SENSE A HUMAN BEING HAS. If you love someone, would you find a reason to hurt him?--IF YOUR ANSWER IS "YES", THEN, YOU DON'T LOVE HIM. 'COZ IF YOU TRULY LOVE THAT SPECIAL BEING, YOU WILL NEVER GIVE HIM A SINGLE REASON TO WASTE HIS TEARS.

3rd Q: WHY DO WE TAKE THE CHANCES OF HURTING?
Bnzer A: TO KNOW THE CONSEQUENCE OF OUR ACTIONS. It is not really having no regrets in trying. I'll be telling a lie and make a mistake here if i say I DON'T EVER regret the chance i have taken especially when the result is unfavorable to me. There are really moments i don't like my responses to the call of life. i do regret, 'coz i am fully aware of the exact opposite result of the untaken chance.
A CHANCE IS DIFFERENT FROM A CHOICE--i have heard this line again and again but still it has a great impact on my way of living. Every one may have the same chance but do consider different choices. How will you know you have taken the right choice? Well, you (reader) has the right answer. Whatever your answer is, it will be the right one for you, 'coz it is your choice. This is a cycle. How would you know the right choice is the right answer?--HMMMM..well, TAKE YOUR CHANCE AND TELL ME :)



the above answers of Beanizer are only based on a one-person life. A single creature who has been hurt, has hurt and has taken the chances of hurting.
if beanizer will place himself as GOD or as a parent, then he must say: "I FORGIVE COZ I LOVE YOU".but, BEanizer is neither of them. Beanizer just wanted freedom.

If the blog gives you a conclusion of the character of a Beanizer, better keeP it to yourself..it may either be TRue or FAlse..yet----
BEANIZER WON'T TELL :)

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